Awake

Ugh!  I had a long session of sex in my bed.  Visions of kids having sex overcame me.

I decided something in the end.  I decided there was something I didn't want to do.  Something looming over me that didn't make sense.  I'm kinda sad because I was having fun, but I wake up terrified when this happens.

Anyway, I had a nice dream.  I was at church.  I was supposedly supposed to be at home, and my keyboard was just set up, which it is.  However, it was like in the middle of the church on a stage.  I saw the choir up there and wanted to say hi to the director.  I was supposed to be in choir but I guess forgot.

Anyway, earlier on, I saw Mrs. Ellen DeGeneres playing the pedals on the organ.  I can't do that, but then I tried and realized I could...

I'm not sure what happened.  I couldn't get myself to feel good.  I was feeling my blanket in between my private, and it felt good.  When I was up north, I felt good on my breast.  Well, I'm supposed toget new bed sheets.  :)

Ugh!  I guess I should get ready or take a shower.  I was gonna work out.  I was all tired out.  I probably should.  I don't have to watch TV now.  I kinda wanna lie down again.  Something overcame me yesterday.  I ate a lot of food but not too heavy and had gotten quite cranky so lay down and stopped thinking at the computer.

I guess I didn't feel good because my dad didn't want to go to to more than one store yesterday.  Now, it's stretching on into the week.  I hope he liked his free time, yesterday.

Oh!  I just had to masterbate, but I'm not telling you why.  Since, I had been feeling like I was masterbating, when I did, it wasn't that big, really, so I'm glad about that.  Still, it offed me from my bed.  D:  Which I needed to do, anyway, so.  I knew I had to do it.  I don't really masterbate that long, and when it feels more like it, that tingly feeling, I do it a little and then stop.  I don't think it will continue.  :|

It's hard to understand, lots of people of different ages don't seem to be very masterbatory.  Hm.  I wonder if I am.  I guess I should have gotten that blanket last night.  Well, maybe not.  What's gonna happen now?  I got mad yesterday.  I think the Asian guy at the fish market at Publix upset me.  He seemed friendly, but I got a different vibe after, like the spa lady who I thought made me call someone the "n" word who I thought wanted me to.  I know the idea was planted in my head by like 7 people!  80  It's a lie!  Wow, never communicate with me through telepathy!  Don't convince me the "n" word is fun.

I had problems before this, though.  I try not to masterbate, and sometimes it affects me a lot...  So, up north, I thought it would make me go to Heaven because I was experiencing all this magic.  I tried to do it quite a lot but couldn't when I came home to Orlando.  I thought it was just something you were supposed to do because it was pleasurable.  I guess I found I couldn't do it and could do other things.  Later on, I found other ways, you might say, but I wanted to be stimulated in other fashions.  I'm not sure what was going no nor why I was so stripped of my dignity.  I  think people are just racist to me.  }:[  If I was made to feel enough during the day, I wouldn't have to make up for it at night or in other ways at other times, like over extended periods of years!  I'm not like my parents, though, but I set out to be the best, the best I can be.

I don't really want to work out nor watch TV now but want to keep up.  Maybe, I will go to bed.  I want to review my videos from last night.

Ugh!  And I have to go to the bathroom, which isn't disgusting, but want to finish my thoughts.  That might be why I had to masterbate.  You know, when I ate healthily, the water in my belly felt good.  So, I dunno about my diet, now.  I hope it makes me feel better.  I do feel much calmer, but that was only when I masterbated.  :p

I don't know if I thought of some good feelings, too...  Some things came to me that were "good," good to me, too, I guess, but I kinda don't want to go back and am unsure of just why...

I am just glad these things are over and that they happened.  I hope I can think of something else.

My forehead feels big in the front now, too, though.

I'm excited about BUYING things!  8D

Ah, yes, I found it age appropriate, for some odd reason, for me to delve into some things in certain ways.  I don't know how much I like it in that way, quite, but it had to happen one day.  I don't quite get it but think I do, now.

I feel kinda bad, like my parents think I was kinda worthless, though, like it was okay if I was unappealing, like just to be mean to me.

I wanna eat soon.

Like, don't your parents affect how you look in good or bad ways?  Like, my parents are wanting to make sure I'm punished enough and don't get stimulated in wrong ways in public.  Still, I don't need to be throgged.

Some suggestive things that have happened kinda made me masterbate, sorry to who I masterbated to, guess you did it on purpose so I'd have something.  I took down my kid pictures to make sure no one masterbated to be like me.  I have some good pictures but an unsure of where they are just, maybe get a good one.