Pressure

I do feel people put pressure on certain ideas.  It leaves me sorta with nothing I can do.  I just make a point.  I'm not really sure exactly what's making me mad.  I mean, I'm pretty happy.  I guess I'm upset I'm having hard time becoming an actor and now feel different, like I'm just getting bigger I think.

I think I've been wound up over something I haven't quite yet reached, about other people's relationships.  I guess it fed me up.  I realized that people I liked shied away from me saying they had other relationships.  I mean, they talked to me.  However, I was treated racistly a lot.  Then, people who I don't like as much have all the morality in the world for me.

I haven't yet been mad concretely at anyone's relationship I think other than with my relatives.  I get annoyed at the kids and realized the adults were boring and mean to my mom, as well as to me in the past in attitude.

I guess my point is that I don't want to be left with any baggage ... now I forget, because of other people.

I forget, again!  Ah, yes, attention.  I find I get attention and am constantly juggling why I get it.  I also don't feel allowed to act as a normal person.  In a way, I don't get a lot of attention, like when I post online.  I mean, I never get in big long conversations, which feeds me up, because I've been online so much.  I think I was mad that no famous person talked to me directly, but I don't want to hope they do in a way they would like not really do to most people.  I mean, maybe it would happen, and maybe it wouldn't be too awkward.  I just have to admit for some reason what like makes me like ... like when really good things happen to me.  It's so weird when some people I follow and I feel they're talking to me.  I don't really know what their relationship is with others, but I mean I just hope for the best.  Then, I wonder, why do I soak in attention?  I dunno.  I mean I just do what a person should do.  I've been told like "not to use the internet."  Well, that's not a good thing to do.

Also, I've been feeling funny lately, kinda like my brother in ways I don't like, in ways that he's suppressed or isn't really like now, like in funny ways.  I don't really, but like it just kinda happens.

I also feel kinda weighted down, like in my legs, like from what I've been eating.

So, I'm pretty upest about yesterday, wonder why the night went by so fast.  I said some bad things and I guess disregarded some things.  ):  Um, people will only connect the dots and not connect them in the right way.  It was something that happened I could not take back, and I did not mean what you thought.  It got something out of the way.  It's also because of when I got mad before at something.  So, now, that things are settled and people aren't too uptight, I was just playing around in general, really, didn't mean anything, at all, really.  You can't search me.  I don't mean anything.  It was really catching the buzz.  If I calmed down like now, I wouldn't have posted it.

I like my blog now because the name matches my YouTube, and the accounts are connected, so I dunno but do miss my old blog with the dreams.  I couldn't get into all my old blogs like I'd like.  I think I listed them somewhere, but I thought it wasn't fun to click on them all but we'll see.  Feel kinda tired now.  Not sure if I will go back and put them up or combine like the last one.

I guess I'm mad I'm fat but need to eat.  I'm wondering what will thin me down and what kinds of activities I can do.  I'm wondering about the constant bickering that my family works.  I've had it hard socially...